of broken hearts and hopeless dreams

maybe it's time to give up this blog again.

this was supposed to chronicle my life, my new life, with my family
just in case my old brain makes me forget someday
but the latest entries are nothing of a life lately. these last months have not been much of a life. just me all alone. with no one. they have me. but i have no one. 

there is nothing to say. 

just me living a life going thru the motions. doing my part. just me living day-to-day with the knowledge that  i am unloved. and it's not like i didn't deserve it. i do deserve it. 

and there is nothing that can be done.

it is 6pm and i realized i haven't even had breakfast or lunch yet. ison brought hotdog last night and i ate that but i also didn't get dinner. actually I haven't eaten much the last few days. 

i'm just trying to read thru some old entries here. remind myself of a time when I was hopeful. ... now there is nothing.

i'm currently going thru my facebook stories and deciding that I will save the memories here, too. there are many interactions with my littles that i want to remember at an unknown future. i will have to update some posts with them.

so I guess i will see if this will be the last entry. i guess i'll just see. 

i have four wonderful products of love, and products of hope when there was none. and i pray that maybe, piece by piece, they will put me back together and their love is enough.

i have named this blog quite aptly .. ofhopelessdreams. 

who knew i knew then? 

perhaps i knew all along... that my dreams had always been hopeless. and they were nothing more than pictures i drew in the sand. now that the tide has set in, they have been washed away. 

i hug ison but he doesn't want to. i am only doing it until I find the strength to let go, even if he won't ever look at me the same way again, even if i look pathetic forcing him to. hearts had broken, not just my own, and there is no undoing it. one day i will die, and God only knows i hope it comes soon when my kids are able to live on their own. i have repented my sins and it is now i face all the consequences -- to live thru this empty life with an uncertain future, unloved. i am just making sure I don't pass down the emptiness to the children I love.

sigh.

i still remember that night. pregnant as i was, hopeful as i was... with all our other children asleep... when he told me it was me he loved the most, even after everything we have gone thru. 

and my tears come now just as they should. it probably wasn't a lie then. 

but it certainly isn't true now.. 😔

and that is what i have to accept and let go. and then i die once more.

la tristesse ne partira jamais

la tristesse durera pour toujours

the sadness will never go away

the sadness will last forever