in living everyday

i asked for peace because i could not bear how much it hurt when you could not give me what i really asked for.. when i cried and begged for time and understanding, and you respond with a coldness and anger. but you were my ison, and i had hoped you knew me enough to know that it is not peace i was asking for, it was love. 

instead, i lost you.

and i am tired.

i wonder when the day will come
when i can wake up in a day

and go to sleep

and know it is okay 

that you stopped loving and caring for me long ago?

that you made me dream and believe we could rebuild after everything?

that you couldn't keep the promises you made when you asked me to stay?

and now that i have stayed.. 

with four children now. with a mediocre career in my pocket because it is the only one i could have here with you. with nothing under my name after i left everything behind. with my life built around you.

and yet you..
you left me behind and walked away, pretending to still be there but have long been gone... i don't blame you at all. you just woke up and saw how worthless i had always been, even before you came into my life. you are there, yes, but not for me... and this, no matter how kind you may put it, i know. i know too well. and it is a knowledge i cannot endure.

i wonder when will be the day... i wonder how long will i be this way.. just a ghost lost in the ether, always wandering, forever lost.. still waiting for you to find me again and save me from the darkness.