my anger

There is no denying that i am an angry person.

I am violent and angry most of the time. I get irritated and annoyed over the simplest of things. And I am always angry.

I have anger management problems. And my day-to-day consists of me 90% just angry about everything. What is this life am I in? What is this situation I am in? How do I really feel about everything? About my husband? About my day-to-day? About almost every circumstance in my life?  Angry. Mad. Even when I am sad, it comes out as anger. This I understand.

People who know me only thru chat wouldn't get this. I try to always sound happy and fill everything up with smiles to mask the anger. But in truth, i am one of the most angry people they could probably know. Bits and pieces of this rage inside come out every now and then, and I keep myself in check, especially when talking to people I do not know.

And now I am tired. Tired of everything. Even of my anger. So today when I talk to everyone and moving forward, from this day, I will feel no sadness which comes out as anger, no bitterness which comes out as anger, no disappointment which comes out as anger. People I thought I could show how angry I really can be are no longer there, and so I have to go back and put my mask on, layers and layers of it. And I cannot let my children inherit this anger.

In truth, I am tired. I only have probably less than 30 years to live. And i don't want to spend the rest of it angry anymore. I just want to live my life in peace. I am just tired. And done.

Starting today, as I have lived with anger all my life, I decide to put it beside me, and not in front of me, and ignore it. 

#deardiary

#insomniacrandomthoughts