not enough

Today I talked to you again. And begged and cried and pleaded.  But in truth, I just want to die. I just wanted something to hold on to.

You want me to leave you alone. And if I don't, you say the truth of the past might come out, and that you will just feel worst, everything will get complicated. You are still protecting me until now. But you say you just want things to be like they are.. for you to have the freedom to be alone and by yourself, without me. 

The memories I have of our life together the last 5 years seem to be different to you. 
The ones I treasured, even when we fought, they seem to be nothing to you.

My Ison is gone. He pretended to be there still until he couldn't anymore, for he had long been dead. I looked at your eyes today and I see nothing, no love, no hope, no mercy, no grace. I killed all of it. Once, long ago, in your eyes I felt enough. But your love is gone. 

I'm so sorry if I wasn't your right choice. It was my choices that made me to be so. That could never be your fault but mine alone. I'm sorry.  

It hurts that back then, you asked me always to choose you because you said we can always rebuild a life together, that we would find love again because we are who we are, but now you say that you could not choose me. You tell me I shouldn't have stayed. And you tell me you shouldn't have asked me to..

I do not fault you for the pain you feel. I know the pain I have caused and how I cannot undo any of them, even if I barely remember. 

Your promises of a loving home, a stronger family, a better love after all that was what I held on to. Now that this is the only life I know, you say I should let you go. You changed your mind and could never choose me again.  And so I am lost. I do not know what to do next, or what to decide, or what to say. I have four children to worry about, and I am asked to let go of the life I know. 

Grief. Yes, grief. That is what I feel. Grief for the love you promised me. Grief for the hope and dreams I built when we started this new life. Grief for the future I hoped I would have with this family.  Grief for you. I guess you have gone through this grief too, back when I lost what we had and destroyed us. And now, you are gone. And I grieve for you.

Today you looked at me, broken and shattered, and this time in your eyes I saw... that I am not enough. 

And i will never be anymore.