Coach asked me to write my thoughts and desires to my husband without sounding accusatory.
So here it goes:
I really appreciate the effort you've been putting into spending more time with me and the kids lately. I value how you keep me informed about your plans and what’s going on in your life. It means a lot to me, and I want to acknowledge that. I’m especially grateful that you spend on the kids—bringing them food when you get home from work, giving them extra allowances for what they want. It makes them happy, and that, in turn, makes me happy too.
However, Coach asked me to reflect on something we discussed before, which he pointed out might be coming across as stubborn on my part. It’s the issue of you traveling without me or without the children. I know we may have different perspectives on this, but I’m struggling to fully understand your side, and I really want to share how it feels from my perspective.
You see, when you go on trips without me, especially when it’s not for work or an urgent family matter, I feel disconnected and left behind. I do understand that everyone needs personal time, and I can appreciate the importance of spending time with other people. But when it feels like you’re choosing to be with other people over spending time with your wife and children, it makes me question where I stand in your life. If you’re willing to go on vacation for days, leaving your family behind, it makes me wonder if we’re really the priority we need to be in your life.
I understand that you need your own space. But ever since then, I don’t think I’ve ever been strict when it comes to you spending time with other people. In fact, I’ve encouraged it. Back then even when we worried about money, I'd even give you extra allowance just so you can spend time with your friends. And these last two years, I don't think you can ever say that you haven't had your own space.
But there comes a point where it feels like it’s too much, especially when you’re not showing me that, at the end of the day, we, me and the children are your priority. This feeling gets exacerbated when plans we’ve made are changed suddenly just for other things and other people. When I had to travel for work many times, I was always left to go alone, and that really hurt. I would always think that maybe if someone else asked you instead of me, you would probably be quick to answer right away and drive them anywhere. Maybe if it was another friend that would ask you to fetch them at the airport, you would probably be there. All of the many events like this has really made me question how I fit into your life. And this has grown into a frustration that I really don't want to grow into hate and rage as it always does.
I need to feel like our relationship comes first, especially when it comes to decisions about time away. I’d be more than understanding if you hadn’t seen certain friends in a long time and wanted to spend time with them once in a while—but when it’s people you see regularly, and you still want to take trips with them instead of us, I’m struggling to understand why that is necessary at all.
I'd like you to consider this: My friends came to visit me here in Zamboanga, even though it would have been much cheaper for me to travel to see them. These friends have been part of my life for more than 20 years, and yet they would never expect to just take me away from you and the kids... without you and me offering that possibility to them first. That's because they respect you and the family, and they understand that, as my partner, you and the children would always come first.
So I really find it hard to understand how a husband and a father could leave his wife and children to travel far away with other people, when we are right here and could be spending that time together.
I want you to understand that I am not trying to take away your individuality or make you feel guilty.
I just want to feel like I matter more than anyone else. Because, if I don’t, then why should we, you and me, invest the rest of our lives here? I know that back then I spent so much time trying to fill a void in me with things, people, making impulsive decisions that, in the end, I realize didn’t really matter to me at all. I'd go as far as burning all bridges, including yours, because who cares anymore, right? But I really don't want to be like that. I am tired. I have four children and I probably only have a good 30 years left in life. I just want to live a life where I feel like our family and our relationship are a priority. I don’t want to feel like I’m just some backup or something that can be put aside for other things. I just feel like I don’t have much time left, and I don’t want to waste it on a life where I am made to feel unimportant. I want to be loved, valued, and cared for, like I always wanted to be, surrounding myself with people who want to be with me too.
I do really appreciate your willingness to listen and talk through these difficult topics with me. I know that it may be hard for me to understand a few things especially when I am emotional, but I really hope that with these discussions, Coach can help me process your perspective in a way that is acceptable to me, so we can find a way to navigate these decisions well, and you and I can both feel valued and respected.
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