A locked door

When you asked me to stay, and promised that we would be okay, I stayed because despite everything that I have done and everything I felt back then, even when I thought I hated you to my core, and that I didn’t care about you at all, there was always the hope that we would be the same as we once were before.. that you would be that ison again I knew who made me the center of his world.

And for a while I thought we were okay. We built a house right after and we had a baby boy. And then we had another baby boy.

And then it all changed.

I just gave birth and you had friends and cousins over. At first, it was fine. I understood you had guests and that you couldn’t help me at all. You would go out with them everyday. And you left me here alone with a baby and a toddler.

And I remember so clearly when you told me babawi ka, once they are all gone. But that never happened, did it? There was always someone else or something else that needed your time more. Suddenly, magsamgyup na ka na d ko kuyug. Slowly but surely, you started leaving me out of your life. Right after that, you even moved out of the room leaving me alone to care for the baby until dawn telling me you didn't want to wake the baby up if a call would come in at 4am. Even when I had to work the next day, it was still left up to me to care for the baby whatever the circumstance. You would hear me screaming outside your room out of exhaustion, and you would open the door and just tell me to be quiet or the neighbors would think I am going crazy and you would go back inside.

And we all knew me. I was an angry person. And it was always pure rage when I showed my anger. And who else would I show my anger to? Who else do I have left in my life when I already left everything else for you then?

And then one day, you told me you had re-evaluated our relationship and felt that there was no love at all with the way I treat you. And you informed me that contrary to what I believed the last few years, you had not been at all okay ever since I came back. 

And I was scared and hurt and didn't know what to do. I tried to blame it on my rage, because for the last 3 years or so, I thought we were doing okay. You told me I didn't love you at all. And yes, perhaps I didn't know how to. I've been very selfish, but I thought then that I needed your love to survive. So I was lost again. But this time, I didn’t look for love anywhere else and I didn't leave, because I had four children now, and two of them are still babies. I wanted them to have a good family. So I went to therapy, instead.

And I tried so hard because you told me you just needed time to heal. But this felt like an illusion. Like I said I felt like Sisyphus, everyday I would push the boulder up the hill, but it would just keep falling back down again. And yet, I would push the boulder up the hill once more. I had to understand you, because I knew I hurt you, even when you insult me, compare me to other women, make fun of my body, and when you always made sure to let me know I can't live up to your expectations. Because hurt people hurt people. And I had to endure this punishment, because I was holding on to the hope of what you told me.. that even after everything, we would be okay again.

You may not have cheated on me with another woman Ison. But you betrayed me. You abandoned me. You left me when I needed your support the most right after the baby. You promised we'd be okay when you asked me to stay, but all of a sudden, without warning, you replaced me. A few months before that, before I gave birth to Aethan, you told me right before we went to sleep that it was me you loved above all. And you asked me because you had to make sure I knew. And I couldn't say anything at the time because my heart was caught in my throat. And I cried then because I felt that my Ison was back again. 

"Ikaw baya ang pinakalove nako sa tanan. Kabaw man ka sa?"

And now I don't know. You may be there physically now, but you already left me. You made me feel like I was still the center of your world even after everything that happened, but you just left me. And you didn't even hint at me it was coming. At least I didn't know it was coming. 

And then cruelly, you continued to dangle me hope, just enough for me to stay at home waiting on you day and night with the children. When I left you many times before and the two times I tried to replace you, a door was always left open for you. But these last two years I felt that you have totally locked me out. It’s like you gave me a million keys and told me I could open the door with one one day if I just kept trying long enough. But you were just moving on with your life, and just checked in on me every once in a while to make sure I was still stuck here with the kids. 

When I looked at your face yelling at me that Monday, it just dawned on me at how futile all my attempts were. 

And that hope really is the worst of all evils.

Because no matter how absurd and how pointless everything is, instead of allowing me to finally accept my fate, I am forced to still try pushing that boulder up the hill, even if it will never get there. Hole will not allow this invisible switch inside me to just magically turn off forever, just like for all the others before you I once deemed I cannot live without. And it sucks. And it's unfair.

Thank you for doing counseling with me and saying you want to try to work on the marriage. I'm not even sure if you said that truthfully, or if you just said it because you thought it was what I wanted to hear. Or because decency just told you to say it. 

I don't know. I'm just tired.

I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you. And I’m sorry that there were times in my life that I thought you weren’t.