I can buy myself flowers

Coach said I have started to accept it..
That my husband is now a stranger. 
This is not the Ison I knew and he is not doing anything to try and be that person again. He insults me, laughs at me, and despite him saying he will try, he remains to be unreliable. He remains to live a life that separate from me. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. He says he does not like the way he is now, but can't see anything wrong when he is rude, mean, or puts other people and things before us. 

I want to be with someone who loves me.
I married him because I thought he would do that no matter what. And yes, I did hurt him many times, and yes I always came back because he always told me I won't regret it. That we will be okay. Him trying to get me back always, for me, it always proved that he loves me so.

But now, the rose-colored glasses are taken off.
He has narcissistic tendencies. He is proud and thinks of himself too high.
He disrespects me. He belittles me.

He does a few things thinking that's enough.
That's not even the bare minimum of what he promised me.

I am still alone.
I carry my own weight. And I have to carry everyone else too.
And I have no one to share the load with.

The things he said during marriage counseling, and the way he treats me are different. He maybe changed a few things, but fundamentally it is the same. There is no need to test whether he loves or cares for me anymore. He proves that he does not to me everyday. He does not even respect me as the mother of his children. This was always how I felt it seems. I want to be with someone that takes care of me, that lets me be a part of his life. That remembers what I like and don't like and consciously makes an effort to make me happy. I want to be with someone that listens to me when I talk, that tries to understand my pain, and shares it with me. I want to be valued, respected, loved. I want to be bought gifts for no reason, and be held and hugged for no reason. I want to be understood when I am emotional. I want to be calmed down when I am angry. I want to be cooked for, kissed on the forehead, and be proudly shown to people.  I want to be comforted when I cry. I want to be told I am loved no matter what. I want to be part of my partner's life and be at the center of his world. Back then, when it seemed that that isn't happening, then I always tried to find someone else to do that. But not this time, coach said I am learning well to control my triggers and to overcome my BPD.

This time maybe I should be the one who puts myself at the center of my life.

I will love myself with the kind of love that my husband won't give me. I don't need to look for it from someone else. I just need to do that for myself.