Do you remember

 1. Babawi ka.

Do you remember? I just gave birth to Aethan. And I had myself ligated. It hurt like hell. And I endured that. And your tattoo friend came again. You went out almost every day. Then your cousin came. Then another cousin.  And I was left alone. By myself. Watching the baby. 

Sometimes at dawn I would scream at the baby out of frustration and tiredness. And you would be angry. No help whatsoever always saying you were too tired from work.

Soon you also left the room. With an excuse saying you did not want to make the baby wake when you got home. You kept telling me, babawi ka everytime you went out again with other people partying, leaving me alone with a baby and a toddler.

Then you would be upset when we would fight and I would not accept your sorries. Because honestly, what good is a sorry if you're just doing the same thing again? Babawi ka. Those words ring and echo so hollow until now.

Later on you said you left the room because you were having nightmares from all the hurt I caused you. But that's only half of it, right? You just got a taste of what it was like to have a single life. And so you made yourself unavailable. You went out at nights and spent a lot of time with other people, and left me to become a single mother.  You went home, did not help with the children, would even be overtly angry with all their noise.  

I was a single mother for a very long time.

2. Pandemic

Do you remember? You told me you were having trouble. That the tindahan wasn't earning as much, and you're just breaking even or lugi. I said not to worry, instead of just half, I will pay the third yaya in full monthly moving forward. I will also do groceries as much as i can every month. And I said you didn't have to worry about half of Kumon anymore, I'll pay for it every month, too. And I did, didn't I?

Later that year, I would cover the yayas' thirteenth month pay too. And I continued that. Every month, I would go out to groceries once or twice just to make sure you didn't have to worry about the kids' snacks, our laundry, our toiletries... I bought food, although not meat. Sometimes the kids and i would even go every week. And I figured that was okay. Imong gasto sa house -- Kuryente, tubig, some meat, the rice, and just one of the yayas. You can make it still, after all, those are the things the other household also buys with you from your tindahan earnings.

Do you remember? While you kept going out with your friends, I would grow more and more upset. But I still kept on, didn't I? I continued to do groceries with the children. You never did offer to pay part of it while you're out spending with other people. So one day, I thought I'd test you and ask you to buy Jollibee. I waited... and waited. You would come home and say you forgot, you were busy. And I waited. The kids asked. And I would say you would, but you didn't. I waited for 8 days... until I realized you really wouldn't buy me any or spend any time to think about what I asked for, you'd rather spend for your friends and waste your time with them. So I bought my own Jollibee. When you came home, you didn't even comment. Did you even remember I asked you to buy me some many times before that?

3. Mother's Day

Do you remember? You accompanied us for the kids' Kumon awarding. And I saw you had new sunglasses. I asked how much it was. And you said 15k. You could throw around that much for luho diay. While ako nagbagiod ug gasto para sa balay. So I walked faster. You couldn't buy us jollibee, didn't even offer to pay for the third yaya na nakabawi namo sa pandemic. Didn't even offer even one third of the groceries I spend every month. The baon for kids na you said you would take care of, ako na pud naghatag because you seldom give them. And you had 15k and more to spend for luho?

I didn't know how to feel. I was there to support you when you had less. And now that you have more, we cannot be part of it? And you were angry when I got upset. Why?
Deep inside, in your subconscious mind, did you not realize why? Maybe you knew. It was just against everything you thought of yourself, because you seem to think so highly of yourself, so you turned it to anger and blamed me again for past hurts. 

You compared me to you. That back then, you said I would get angry when I would spend for myself or my game, and you would question me because you didn't want me to.
No it is not the same. 
It never was the same. 

Do you not remember?

During the time I spent for myself, did I not spend for you too? I would drop thousands to buy things you ask from me. Costume sa imong character. New iphone. New ipad. I would give that all right away.  The gifts for the children, I buy, and you would always be included there na apil ka nihatag. I thought that if I bought every single one of you all those stuff, I can also buy myself some stuff. Dli gani kaabot ug 1/4 akong gasto sa kaugalingon sa gasto nako ninyo. Pero permi ko nimo kasuk-an. I do not understand. That is why I get angry then. And no, it will never be the same. You can never compare how I complained vs how you complained on that day.  Because then you made me feel that the money I earn, I can only spend on you, but none for myself.  On that day, when I felt upset na makapalit ra diay kag 15k sunglasses na murag wala ra, nasuko ka pag-ayu. You were angry that I was upset. You did not even see how much I spend every single day at the "home" you told me we would build. You made me cry in front of many people... on Mother's day, because I was upset that you could not even buy me Jollibee while you kept going out partying with other people and dropping 15k for sunglasses. And you still had the gall to call me "selfish".  You called me SELFISH over and over. None of you really cared it was Mother's day, or that I was crying in front of many people. It was the worst. I wanted to hide and disappear. But I wouldn't disappear. There was no magic like that. I was made to feel that being upset is my fault and that I should have no feelings about anything... That I didn't have the right to feel anything. 

So no. It was never the same.

Now you buy car after car after car. And I am glad for your financial freedom. It benefits my children. I do not need to worry that they can finish school someday. And then you make sure to inform me everytime you could that you achieved all these because you wanted to prove your worth.. saying I tried to replace you when you were poor. Then in the same breath tell me you know I never cared about your financial status, but still point out that you achieved all this because I hurt you. Sometimes in my mind I would think that you may be earning more, but bragging to me about it is really pathetic. Because at the time when you had little, I never did once insult you about it. I spent for you, supported you, and this is what I got. 

4. Birthday

Do you remember? It was one of those birthdays. Sige kag laag with other people but on my birthday, you bought me like what just less than 500 worth of octopus legs that I did not even eat? That's how little you thought of me.

Then this birthday. I am supposed to go to Manila. And you were quite happy you did not have to show up for me. As usual. Then I asked are you really not going to celebrate? Then you said you and whoever else will eat out. Why?

Why does my birthday matter when I am not there? I did not know birthdays are special only because of the date, not because of the person who is having a birthday. 

You came home and asked me what I wanted. 
Does it matter? 
I show up for every one of you every single day, and the one day of the year that you're at least expected to do something nice for me, you were more than happy to spend it without me.  Whatever you decide is fine.

5. Leaving you for Jollibee

Do you remember? I left because I could not take it anymore. You threatened me that i could never come back if I do not come back right away. And I didn't.

And manggagamit ka. Because you promised marriage counseling just so I would come back. You promised to try. But what happened after that? You blamed me for putting you through marriage counseling, for what.. like 3 sessions? You blamed me for going to a therapist to help me. I shared my life because it was my life. And you are angry because you are a part of it. Manggagamit ka really. You only say things to make the world convenient for you. But you never really mean any of it.  

6. Layas

Do you remember? You asked me to leave. That you don't want to see my face anymore. You said it in anger, which you told me, is when your truth comes out. You told me to leave, and you hated me. That I should not be expecting anything from you. And to read between the lines, you want me here to use me "for the kids", but I should not expect anything from you at all. And I am the selfish one. Seems like you just wanted to have your cake and eat it too. And take the entire dessert table with you. I laughed then. You called me crazy. Why wouldn't I laugh? I was certainly assured you were definitely just a user. And yet, I am the evil person in this house. I'm still the sinner. I'm still the one to blame. I'm still the devil.

When I am angry, I say things I don't really mean. Most of the time I just say them to hurt the other person.. to make them feel what I feel. But you... you told me in all honesty, at a time when you were calm and we weren't fighting, that the real truth comes out during anger. You certainly did believe that. I guess that holds true for you.

So I believe you. And I remember everything you have said to me in anger.

There is no security with you.  You say we are partners and you will take care of me but you won't. You ask me to spend so much for the kids, asking me to buy them this and that, buy them everything else they want. And you would take care of the future.
And you know that everything I have, I spend for in this house.. Almost every single thing I own is here, and it was that easy for you to ask me to leave, like I had no right in this house.. like I did not give any money to help build it... like I did not buy almost everything inside it. 

And you still expect me to spend so much here when I am already old. Why? I need to save for my retirement.. for a future alone. How do I know I need to?

Remember when you still "loved" me? Nagkautang2x ko, wala koy sweldo, naa koy Pagibig bills, credit card bills, hell I couldn't even afford sigarilyo. I had nothing. I had no one. You just brought me to Zamboanga. And you didn't even support me. You said you thought about me making sure I ate. You couldn't even leave cigarettes when you left in the morning. I couldn't talk to you. You would get angry when I would complain that I am hungry very late at night, and the kitchen was locked. I was adjusting.. but instead of supporting me after I quit my job, left my home, brought my kids, I was made to feel trapped.  You pushed me so hard on the couch that I couldn't even move my jaw to eat. I was lonely. I would cry myself to sleep at night and I know there are times you could hear me. But you didn't really care. So now that you've told me you have no love for me at all, what do I expect would happen to me when I am old and useless? 

When I had nothing to give you, and you "loved" me, you didn't support me. 

Did you ever hear me at that time complain then? I just thought that if you truly loved me, I didn't need to tell you. You would help on your own. You know my pride would never let me ask for money from you. 
So one day when I have nothing more to give, and now that you don't love me at all, why would I just trust that you would support me then? Or do you expect me to beg you for that? Is that part of the revenge plot to make sure I suffer until the end?

I want to leave now but I can't. Sometimes I would get so upset and I go into my fight or flight mode again, but I am old enough and have gone through therapy, so I recognize when my brain is not making sense. 

It still doesn't help the fact that I feel how I feel. I just want to disappear and leave. But I can't do that, can I? Everything I have is here. And you are using that, aren't you? I cannot bring the kids, I have no house. I cannot take care of them, I have no money. I spend almost every single penny I have here. 

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You were my "favorite person". The only person I could show who I really was. I could show you my rage and I thought it wouldn't change anything.

They say PwBPDs have a favorite person... everything they are is solely dependent on how the favorite person views them. And I recognized that you were mine. Everytime you didn't act the way I expected you would, I would think of you as the worst person in the world. I would get that kind of anger that burns so deep, and boy would it escalate so quickly. I would agree those times I tried to leave you was me at my worst. Was that my fight or flight mode? Always picking fights. Always trying to leave. 

Most of those days, I just hated you because you didn't love me. You didn't love me when you said you would. Does that make sense?

I just wanted to feel loved.  It's like I wanted to feel alive, because there was no cure to being dead inside. Those people I used to feel that? You could just replace them with anyone else, really. I just pretended and said everything I thought they wanted to hear so I can escape from the hell I felt. I just wanted to find that feeling again... that feeling I had where I felt loved and whatever happens, everything is going to be okay. There are days I would hope you would love me again that I would have no other choice but love you too. But when those days did come, I really didn't believe you anyway. I was just so full of anger, it consumed me. I would test you and pick fights with you, but you would always act differently from what I expected. And I would hate you again. So I guess there really was no winning there, huh. 

Sometimes my rage was so deep, I just wanted to kill you, or kill myself. I wanted you to hurt so badly so I could see that you loved me still. If I died, you would regret ever treating me that way, and you would promise that you would treat me better if only I was alive again. Or I could always find someone else, and you would regret taking me for granted. That loving me was a privilege you wasted. So when you get me back, we would go back to how we were at the beginning. That was the logic. 

It doesn't make sense I know but back then, it always made sense to me. I didn't want to be the one left behind, so I do the leaving instead.  It was selfish. I guess anyone can be the worst they could be when they feel they have nowhere else to go. Maybe you were right after all, perhaps I didn't know how to love at all. I use people. I used you to love me. And I did not know how to love back. I just mirror. If you love me, then I love you. If you don't, then I don't. But I know I needed you then. If love isn't a need, then what is it? I need my children. And I know I love them because I need them to survive. Isn't it the same?

I held on to you and to those people because I felt I was worth more when many people loved me. In hindsight, I realize now that's probably just because that's how worthless I felt I was. I was just some empty shell really. And no amount of people telling me they love me would fill that.

I just wanted what we had at the beginning back. Before all the disappointment and the hurt, and maybe in spite of all the disappointment and the hurt. But that was impossible, really. 

This isn't an excuse for all the things I did to hurt you. And I do not expect that you understand me. I know that. Even then, when you "loved" me, you never could understand me. But I, perhaps in the back of my mind, kind of trusted that you would love me still anyway. I guess that's why I married you. Out of all the people that I depended on in my life, you were kind. And I really thought you would be the one to save me.

It's too late to say anything to you really.
I already drowned you with me.
I don't even know why I'm addressing this long message to you. I know you don't even care well enough to read this someday. Maybe when I am dying? You probably still won't.

I think I no longer have hope now. That is the difference. 

Back then, there would be times when I would feel that hope of having a different kind of life, a happy life.... and I always depended on you to give me that.. even when I tried to leave you to look for other people, I always held the hope that you would run after me still. But now I really don't. Even when things are normal, even when I think I feel normal, there is no hope. You are not the same person who loved me then or promised to save me and hold me until I grow old. These last few years taught me that. My grief was real because there was no bringing you back. That even if I died, you never would suddenly wake up and realize you loved me still. I know for a fact you wouldn't even cry. Maybe you'll feel relieved I am gone. 

You have insulted me too much. You disrespected me too much. You do not care about me at all. I have built my life around you and the children. I broke my body so I could give you more children. But you do not appreciate me and you insult my body. 
You would laugh at me with your family. You would make fun of how I look and how fat I am getting. You always put me last. Everyone else was more important than I was.
You would let me down first than let anyone else down.
You were never my partner, really. Your partner had always been your brother. Next came your children and parents. Then your friends.
Me? I was just someone you had sex with that gave you children. I saw that so clearly then when you told me in front of my face that there was no love here, and how little you really thought of me. Instead of my brain going into flight mode, I just lost hope. You were gone. It was done. 

No kindness. No gentleness.
It was done.

I guess in the end, whether I liked it or not, who I was still depended on how you viewed me. I knew then that I can no longer depend my entire emotional being on you, and I can not depend my entire sense of self on you. 

And so I went to therapy, so I could save myself, because you wouldn't.  And I don't think I should say sorry for that. And I definitely do not need your permission for that.

It's even funny because it seems you blame me or you are angry for me going to therapy. As if I had any other choice for the loneliness that you make me feel everyday. 

I do appreciate that you changed lately.
You have been spending more time with the children, and spending for them. I am happy for my children. You buy them some drinks or some food, and I would always make that angry face. You would ask what's wrong. But I couldn't tell you that everytime you bring something for them, I would always expect you didn't bring anything for me. So I would show anger first before my disappointment shows. That's the kind of life I live now.

Sometimes, I wonder... do you remember? Do you remember when they were smaller? And you were no one but just a boarder in this house. Sometimes, I would think you're just doing everything you can so you can replace me with the children so you can just kick me out of the house one day. So little by little everyday, they would learn they do not need me at all because you are there. And I would be gone from this house, and nobody would care that I was.

It is difficult. Especially when people, like you, say or do something that my mind interprets differently. And it is really hard not to react right away. And everything escalates so quickly since my emotions go so high. So when people say something and I react so quickly and overreact with so much emotion. That's me not thinking, and just me feeling. It is tiring to have to think everything through and analyze everything, especially when I'm so busy thinking of other things at work. I am trying to manage. I just want peace in my life. But there will never be that, for me. It will always be just me trying to survive alone, just like I had always been, with no one else to trust or depend on. Not you. Not the children. Just no one. Just surviving in a place where love is something that is said, but never true. Where my worth is measured by how much I can give.

God...

God knows how I expected to build a home here.. and instead found a prison. God knows how thankful I was to have found grace and forgiveness even if I didn't deserve it. You wanted a boy, and I gave you two, and then spent the last few years feeling like a single mother.  I would take care of the baby, with almost none to very little sleep, go to work the next day, and then do that every single day... so many memories that are so vivid. And that grace I was so thankful for? It was all lies. Just built on assumptions based on words you said that were never really true. You didn't give me grace, you just bided your time. You just wanted revenge for everything I did to you. And I am angry.. I have to be accountable for my actions and still I have to be accountable for yours and the children's. You are being an asshole? That is my fault. The boys made a mess? That's my fault. You fight with Castielle or Anna? That's my fault. The children disrespect you? That's my fault still.

Any assurances said these last few years are empty to me. I do not believe them. I cannot bring myself to. They are hollow and hold no meaning when I feel disposable every day. 

I am angry. I am sad. I do not know how I feel really.
And there is no hope for a happy life.

This house.... 

I thought it was going to be a wonderful home when we started it, but I know now that it never really was. I'm just renting here. And I have to pay with service and with money. And any time, when you so wish, you can just ask me to leave. There is no security here.

Do you know that feeling?
Probably not. You always had your parents. You always had your brother. You always had some place to go.

But I know that feeling. This feeling where I want to go home, but I don't really have one.
That is the feeling I have. 
It has been like that since the beginning.
Ever since I would look out the window with all my pain and could not tell anyone, when I would hide under the bed as a child. When I would make up stories in my head of a different life so I could get through another day.

I really want to go home.

This house... this is not my home. 
It may be everyone else's, but not mine. I do not feel safe here.

I want to find a place where I belong... a place where I am loved and there is nothing else expected from me, where my worth is not defined by how useful I can be.. where I am accepted for who I am... where I will always be good enough.

I want to go home.