My dearest Ison

My dearest Ison,

I am sorry.
I am sorry for taking you for granted, as much as I am sorry for hurting you.
I always thought I could hold on to you forever, even if I hurt you, even if it was painful.

Thank you for everything you have done for me even after what I did.
When you told me we would be okay as long as I stayed, I held on to that so much. I was happy that year when we had Atticus. That was a good year. I felt loved and I felt we had another chance. We built a house together, and I filled it with lots of material things to show you my commitment to stay.  And I also gave my love through things because I didn't know how else to give love.

When I said I only knew God's love and mercy because you showed it to me first on our 10th anniversary, I knew I loved you then with a love that is different... a love that is safe and forgiving and present, despite the hurt and pain, I loved you then.  But I didn't know how.  So I just bought more things. You gave me flowers on our 12th anniversary. And I thought I still had my ison, but I should have known then that there is only so much pain a person can take. And here I am, without that ison anymore. And I don't think I can cope.  The only thing I have held on to these last 5 years is our family, and I have nothing else left. I don't think I can cope. Perhaps this is why I tell you I want to die or disappear. Because then I wouldn't have to face the fact that the reason why I cannot be sure I can hold on to that is because of me. 

I'm sorry that even after everything that happened, when the going got tough, and when you had your nightmares, and when you were sad, I still held on to my pride and anger more than I held on to you. It wasn't you. Perhaps my anger towards life in general and the guilt I have just made me what I am. I guess I had always been angry at myself. I think anger was the only way I could cope with life since I was young, and it's not because you weren't enough. It was because I wasn't. I wasn't enough. And I proved it to you by hurting you. The only time I ever did survive trying to leave you was me holding on to something else even temporarily. But I failed to see that in doing so, I killed the only person I could have held on to for the rest of my life. And it is something that will always haunt me everyday until the end of my days. I will always regret it. I will always regret hurting you. I wanted to look for my ison, way before all the hurt happened. And I will always regret not looking for him in you. I have always been insecure and I needed to always know somebody loved me. Perhaps it is a need I have. Because my worth, I now understand, I always viewed it based on how the one who loves me sees me. Perhaps this is why I cannot cope now because you don't know if you love me still.  And now where do I go? Who will save me if not you because I cannot do it on my own?

I just want you to know there is nothing you have to prove to anyone because you are enough. You gave more love to me than what anyone else couldn't. You went through more pain than what anyone else can't. And you continue to do it still by protecting this family and me. I just hope you can tell that to yourself and truly believe that, that there isn't anything to prove. You are worthy of anything good that will happen to you. It wasn't you that wasn't enough. It was me, because I couldn't be worthy of the kind of love you once gave me. 

Maybe one day, if I just kept on, if I kept going to church and praying to the heavens to bring you back to me, God would listen to my prayers and my ison will come back. Maybe if I just held my feet together in place, despite wanting to disappear, maybe one day you'll see that I am here and will always be here. And maybe if I just kept on living, despite wanting to die, maybe one day you'll see I can be enough. I'm sorry that I drowned you together with me and brought you to a darkness you can't get out of. Maybe one day, if I just prayed... and stayed... and lived... maybe, just maybe, will see me again as the Kim you once loved.  But hope is something I have little of, and maybe not at all on certain days. There are days when these words I tell myself I couldn't believe anymore. 

You know how stories say "and they lived happily ever after" at the end? If this is the end of ours, it would be "and they lived together, happily maybe not. but they went on living the rest of their lives with nothing more to give", and if it is, I want you to know I am grateful for you. I am sorry and thank you for everything. 

Thank you my love.