I got told yesterday I have symptoms of BPD.
But they started as something like PTSD and we have to treat that underlying cause.
I read up on what borderline personality disorder is.
I think about all the relationships I have had in my life. All the relationships when I left and was left behind. All the times I felt like it was as quickly as turning off a switch, when it went from love to hate. I think about the times I get triggered by the smallest things and explode in rage. I think about my sadness and my anger... the only two emotions I really have except when I felt loved.
I think about my friend in highschool who left me at the REED bldg with 2 of our other friends. One of those friends brought me to their home when I ran away. I caught up to them and got angry because they abandoned me. And I never spent time with them after that. I hated them for leaving me behind, for forgetting me. Her mother probably is angry at me for unfriending her daughter that easily. But I didn't care anymore after that.. they forgot me and left me behind. And that was it.
I think about my first relationship when he broke up with me because he didn't know if he still loved me. And how that love turned into glorious hate after I begged him to stay. When I saw him again, I felt that rage. I wanted to get away from him and hurt him. I replaced him with someone else and made sure he knew, I replaced him with someone I felt would save me. It was an intense relationship. And I would let him go through test after test after test to make sure he did love me. But in the end, he left me. Not that I could blame him. I cried for that person for years hoping he would come back. And then one day, just like a switch, I stopped. I hated him to my core. I cursed him and wished him the worst. During that time, I went from one relationship to another, always intense. Always risking a lot. Always toxic... where I always felt it was all I could have. I tried to replace him with someone who would pass my tests like he did. But no one did then.
I had a friend who said he'd be there for me always. I tried that relationship too. It lacked passion. But like all others, every time they decide I was not who they were looking for, I would lash out and beg. And beg I did. I would try to make them stay, but then they all fail me. And like a switch, that love always turns to hate. Unimaginable hate.
And then I found Ison. He was the one who would save me. He would stay when I pushed away. He would love me even when I was crazy. And no matter what I put him through, he would continue to love me. And I was happy. I found someone who loved me. He loved me. And he cared for me. He would kiss my forehead. I was sweeping the floor one day and I spilled the rice. And he laughed and said I was clumsy and he helped me sweep the floor instead. He did not yell at me. He loved me. I knew he loved me. And I married that Ison.
I loved him back too. Didn't I? I put him above all. And for a moment in my life I was happy.
Until I couldn't be. When he disappointed me, I would lash out. I would go crazy. Everyday I would be angry, and throw things, and hit him. I would hate him to my core. I wanted to force him to love me and during those times when he wouldn't, I would hate him, wanted to hurt him so badly. I wanted him to run after me always. I would push him away and see and test if he still loved me.
There were times I would decide so quickly I am leaving him forever, but then realize I couldn't cope and find something else to attach myself to... alcohol.. work.. game.. other people. And then he would come for me and I would know and realize I was wrong, he still loves me so much. And I would be so grateful to God for giving me him. I would think he is the only one who could make me feel better. And I would try to make him happy, buying him things... giving him what he wants, or what I thought he did. Until I couldn't again.
For every single time he would disagree with me or point out what was wrong with me, and everytime he would disappoint me, I would grow angrier and angrier. I would feel he doesn't love me. I would read into every facial expression, every word he says about me, and know for a fact he doesn't love me at all. And I would decide to leave before he leaves me first. I fall into the same cycle. I would try to escape from him. I would hate him for hurting me so much, for not loving me when he promised he would. And despite him getting hurt from what I did, I would expect him to beg for me to be back, because my worth only had any value if that was the way he saw me as.
He is right. I am nothing but a villain in the story. I am selfish. I am a terrible person. But what do I do? When I only ever depended on his love to get through life? What do I do now? He says I do not love. But what is love? Isn't it just need? Perhaps I only do just know need. I just take and take and need him. But maybe, too, it is the only way I know how love is supposed to be.
When you need a person, when you cannot cope with life without their love, isn't it love? When you depend on them, isn't it love? For what do I have to give when I am but empty? I would say I love my children, but in the end I know that I just need them. They are the only thread I hang on, to keep me afloat, before I fully give up and drown.
And I cannot cope. I don't know where to go.
My Ison is gone... that ison is gone -- that ison who would cook for me, tell me I am beautiful still whatever happens, listen to me and find me adorable, the ison who would hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright... the ison who would break anything just to come for me and save me.. that ison who would calm me down when I am angry. This ison is different. When I realized this more than a year ago, I kept myself busy with many different hobbies. I bought a lot of things. I blocked all those thoughts out waiting for him to show his love, to pass my tests, to prove my thoughts wrong. I would lash out and get angry, I would ignore him, I would cry, I would beg for attention. And I would push him away. And then wait for him to come for me.. so I would feel he is my ison again. I would fall into my rage and wait for him to calm me down because I do not know how. But he doesn't do that anymore. I was right. This ison is different. This ison insults me, and what I have been through. This ison leaves me to cry and makes it worst. This ison says I am dramatic. This ison calls me the worst of names. This ison hurts me so much. This ison says I play the victim card. This ison doesn't understand me. This ison refuses me. This ison knows I am testing him and deliberately fails all my tests. This ison doesn't care how I feel, nor does he even try to make me feel better anymore. Yes, this ison does not care at all. Like all others, this ison will abandon me. He already did. He is there but he is long gone. But still, I begged. In the end, no matter how painful it is and no matter how angry I am, I know I need his love to be whole. And so I begged. I begged him to love me again like the many times I did before. And I try my best to support him and be there so he knows I can love normally, but he doesn't want me near. He wants me to go away. He pushes me away. I am not needed.
Now, I cry. It is different.
The last few days I am numb and tears just fall on their own.
It's like watching myself.
I said I wanted to escape, run away, disappear. I tried to drown myself in alcohol. I still want to do it.
I see no future for me, nor a future where I will end up any better.
Maybe it will happen one of these days. You know? I just stop caring and leave. Like a switch, I walk out and disappear. I would hate. And I would feed that rage so I don't even stop to care about what I leave behind. Just like all the times I did before. And I would probably attach myself to something else... work maybe, alcohol.. but not another person. No person would ever understand me. I know this now, if even that ison who loved me so much gave up on me, then no one else will ever be good enough. And one day, maybe I will just wilt off and die.
I cannot cope with these emotions, nor can I control them so now I am asking for help. Because I have children. And I have to think about them, because I don't want them to end up like me. I don't want them to be abandoned, and think that they weren't good enough for me to choose to stay.
Maybe I do not know love at all. I thought I did once.. I saw it in my ison's eyes. But those eyes are long dead now. I killed them long ago.
And I am so tired.
Why can I not control my emotions, especially my anger? Why do I make such poor decisions when I am hurt? And then forget. Yes, I forgot. Everything else during those times where I felt worse, when I thought holding on to something else would make life better, I forget. Everything is a fog. I just know I did wrong. I don't even know what I was thinking. But then this ison doesn't believe me either. Everything I say he thinks is just an excuse. And I am desperate. I want to disappear.
They always said I was smart. But I am not.
Maybe my brain is just wired wrong.
Because now that my ison has left me and will never love me anymore. He doesn't need me at all, I can see it with every action he does now, with every look he gives me, with every word he says and doesn't say. And I have nowhere to go and no one to save me, I wish to die... I wish to escape. I wish to disappear. Sometimes I think I would be contented knowing that on my death, there is that one single chance he would be my ison again and remember he loves me. And he would be happy like how he was before. It is the only way I can repay everything. When I am gone, then all the things I caused would go away. Everyone would be happy... like I never was there in the first place to mess anything up. Because they will forget me, and everything I have done. They will forget me. And a split second after my death where ison will remember his love for me will be enough. That one single chance he may become my ison again and love me. And he would cry. My soul will see it and everything will be fine because he remembered he loved me again. Even if he would forget me later on. I cry to God now because I have no one else. These are the thoughts that run through my head. And I am not stupid to know they sound like they're coming from a crazy person. But there are many times everyday that I believe them. And I don't know anymore.
I don't want my children to inherit my thoughts. I have to see them grow up and not become like me. I think I am messing it up already. I yell at them and get angry. I move from one emotion to another. I show my love, and in a split second, I forget it. I want to hit my children on impulse and I do sometimes. I try my best to control, but it is difficult... it is difficult to always let love win. It takes all of my energy to handle this rage. And I am tired.
I am so
so
so
tired.
And so alone.
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