drowning

i feel alone.
and lonely.

we are moved to the background once more.
no time for us, just a lot of time for other people.
he said he will bawi when it is my friend that will come. but he still didn't. 

i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, but at nights, i feel it is just me.
just me.
all alone.
left behind to fend off for myself.
to cry myself to sleep.
to comfort me when i am overwhelmed.
to take care of all the children. 
to take care of myself.

and i am drowning.
and i am angry. and my husband doesn't understand.
and i cried so hard to explain, i tried so hard.
i scream it out.
but he doesn't hear me.

or he does but does not care at all.

he tells me how my children are most important, much more important than i will ever be.
and i cried hard. 

when all our children leave to live their lives, it will be me that will be left behind with him, but I am told i am not important at all, i am the last priority. 

when anna asked once why i stand up right away when their papa calls, but not when they call me, it is because i always thought he is most important, even when i fight with him a lot. even when i have to juggle taking care of all the children all by myself. i always try and remember. but it is so hard lately. it is hard.

did spending so much time with his friends out drinking change his mind about his love? 

i am confused and hurt.
and i am angry.

he doesn't hear me.
nobody hears me.

my anger will be my shield.
i don't want to think, and i am hurt.
i am drowning.
it is so hard to breathe.

Akala ko, mahirap na 'yong hindi mo alam kung anong gusto mong maging.

Mas mahirap pala kapag alam mo kung saan ka dapat papunta, pero nawala ka sa kalagitnaan. Hindi mo ngayon alam kung babalik ka ba sa simula, o patuloy na mangangapa.

Wala, magpapaubaya, maghihintay, aasa na may kasunod pa.

Hindi sa ayaw mong umusad— kung anuman, sino ba naman ang ayaw may marating?

Hindi sila. Hindi ako. At lalong hindi ikaw. Nagkataon lang na may mga dagat na sadyang hindi mababaw.