we broke us

 My dear Castielle,

Two years ago, I wrote a letter for your father. It was a lengthy expression of love explaining why I chose to spend the rest of my life with him.

A year ago, I reposted it just before our wedding. I doubt you’ll remember that. You were still 2 months then. And this year, before we finally separate, I will write a letter explaining why it should be the way it should be.

This is so you will know that you had been formed out of love and that it was never planned to end up this way. It just became the way it is. Heaven brought you to us. And we love you very very much. I’m sorry that you had to go through a fate I never intended you to have. I hope that by this time, you had grown up to be the person I had hoped you’d be.

Did you know I planned that you’d have 3 younger siblings? And that we’d live in a house with a picket fence, and a small garden which we can tend to together during the weekends? I planned you’d have everything you ever wanted. I planned that your father would have a business to take care of, and in the mornings he would drop me off at work, and then drop you off at school. And at the end of the day, he’d pick me up, and we’d both pick you up from school. We’d have family days during Sundays, where after going to church, we’d go shopping for groceries together. We’d then go watch a movie, or go malling, or go have a picnic, or whatever the four of you would wish us to do. You father and I would have two Saturdays to ourselves, where we’d go on a date to relieve ourselves of the stress of life and find love in each other always. And when all of you have grown up and had kids on your own, your father and I would still be the sweetest couple in the world… just like the old people you see at the mall shopping for groceries and holding each other’s hands. I always used to cry when I see couples like them. Because growing up without a both parents, like the way I believe you now have, I have come to understand how difficult it is to find the one you are meant for. And I always cried because I knew in my heart I’d never find mine.

Your father and I built webs of dreams for you and the family we intended to have. But like all dreams, they start to fade away by the time you wake up from your sleep, and life happens. Life happens. And you forget.

That was what happened. Life brought changes and tests that we had assumed our love would be able to endure. But we were wrong. We assumed too much. Our love did not endure. It did not last as long as we hoped it would.

It must have been my fault. It must have been his. But that doesn’t really matter now, does it? You were the one left in between. And it’s you that must pay the price of all our wrong choices. I am sorry. Your father is no longer the person he was when you were conceived. And I no longer am the person I was when I conceived you. We had admitted to each other today that we no longer care. I pushed your father into marrying me. He was not ready after all. I expected too much from him. He did not live up to it. I am quite a handful, you know that. And I expected everlasting love, the kind of love he really could not give. When he promised me the world, you see, he was young... and he did not know any better. And being the hopeful little girl I am, I fell into the precipice I promised I’d never be fooled into jumping.

Love eventually ran out for both of us. It ran out because we did not make it grow. We slowly chipped on it with every fight and every misunderstanding. We chased it away by all the insults and all the hurt we threw at each other. Pride got in the way. And anger erased all the respect away. With every broken promise, our trust for each other had slowly disappeared. And without trust and respect, there would not be love. Life happened, you see. And we forgot.

But we never forgot you. I did not forget you. That’s why I’m sitting here writing this letter. I still wish that this will never reach you. And that our plans would all come true. But your father and I had already talked about it. We will live away from each other. And we will stop trying. Once, when we conceived you, who he was had been enough. And when he started to change, I forced him too much to change back. And the more I did, the more he became the person he is now, and less of who he once was. His love for me had run out. I realized that the day I found out he was no longer my friend, and then perhaps my love for him faded too. I’m washing all the frustration away now with all my tears. Tonight I will accept everything that has happened and move on with my life. Life is not a fairy tale. I realized long ago that real life is not like the tales in the books I have read. And it’s not as predictable as the movies I have seen. But I’m the stubborn learner. Refusing too much had brought me to this point in time. And I’m sorry I had to drag you with me.

If there is still some love left here in my heart for your father tonight, then I’m blowing it all away through kisses addressed to you. And I pray in the morning, everything will be fine.

Maybe by the time you read this, your father and I have found the person that we’re supposed to be with for the rest of our lives... I need you to remember that once, at one point in our life, we thought we were each other’s. I had been the one for him. And he had been the one for me. But only for the year that once was.

It’s over now. If there are words we had left unspoken, then the moment had passed us by. It shall not pass our way again. It’s time for me and your father to finally give it a rest.

I love you my Castielle. I’m sorry.